3 February 2009
Small revelations
I am so thankful for small revelations. I overwhelmed at how smallest whisper can change both my outlook and emotions.
Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am an emotional person. I feel things deeply, and I’m easily given to tears. I’ve mostly seen my emotional side as something to be ashamed of, feeling like I must be the most up and down rollercoaster of a person ever. But over the last couple of years I’ve learned to see my emotion as a gift. Because I feel things deeply, the Lord often shares His heart with me, revealing things in my heart, or telling me things about His heart as I feel.
This week has been a hard week. I knew a hard conversation was coming and all i could do was cry. I was so upset with myself for crying over something that hadn’t even happened yet! But I couldn’t stop the tears. The conversation came and went, and tears flowed throughout. But a few days later, I felt theLord say, “Tears make your heart soft”. And I thought about that statement and realized that I had plenty of opportunity to be angry, or cynical, but instead I was tender. And I realized that because of the hours I spent crying, my heart was being prepared to not be bitter. The Lord was helping me guard my heart. I still felt the sting and surprise of my circumstance, but I wasn’t mad!
It’s such a small revelation, but I’m so thankful!
31 January 2009
Waiting…
There is no greater death than waiting, which is at the very heart of priestliness -Art Katz
I have a love/hate relationship with this quote. I want to be priestly, but I hate waiting. I really hate waiting. Few things in this life are harder for me. Yet because of my inability to wait well, I find that it the thing I do most. I wait. And I fuss. I wait. And I cry. I wait. And I start to lose heart. I wait. And finally I give into the necessity of waiting and the Lord breaks in. It really is a death. The quote if from the book Apostolic Foundations by Art Katz. He dives head first into the abundant details of the priesthood and what Aaron and his sons endured to be set apart as a priestly people to ministeer before the Lord. It’s gorey and messy. Covered in blood, standing for 7 days and waiting, being stripped naked before the people of Israel – literaly- the nation was called to watch the process of consectration. Incidently, the word consecration means, “Hands full of blood”. Waiting was required. The Lord was demonstrating that the process of being set apart did not come without a price. It was an exhasting, exacting, bloody mess. Nowadays, the process is not external as much as internal, yet no less messy. I’m learning that anything of value usually takes time. Jesus is faithful in the waiting. He’s waited and waited, He knows what it is to want something and the pain of desire unmet. He is the Great High Priest, able to sympathize with the waiting I endure. So I wait, eventually it will yield a reward greater than I can comprehend, whether I receive what I wait for in this life, or like Abraham, in the age to come.
8 December 2008
Ideas of Peace…
The other night I was watching a movie, and this line stood out to me,
Peace isn’t merely the absence of conflict, but the presence of justice.
Attaining peace is not about conflict resolution. It’s not about smoothing ruffled feathers and bringing calm to a tempestuous situation. Peace is about justice, the wrong things being made right. In fact, I believe that it will take a great conflict at the end of the age to bring about justice, and therefore peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace, the Righteous Judge, and He will bring peace to the earth by bringing justice through judgment – the purging of sin from the earth.
My ideas of peace need to align to the peace that Jesus brings. He comes with a sword, He has fire in His eyes, He is a Jealous God, holy, and righteous. Am I ready to witness and participate in the peace process of Jesus?
4 December 2008
One Whole Year…
It’s been one whole year since my first date with Micah Blosser. I can’t believe it, time has sped by! After one year together I’ve come to some conclusions about relationships:
A. Relationships require constant attention and work but they also need room to grow and flourish. Just like a toddler, pet, plant, etc, you must give it what it needs to survive. You cannot go for days at a time without really checking in on the other person’s heart if you are trying to maintain a healthy life together. The tension is that some people take the extreme and smother the relationship and heart of the one they love, while others are prone to neglect it altogether. There has to be a balance of nurturing and space to grow with the leadership of Jesus and the help of the Holy Spirit.
2. You can be told that a relationship will be hard, but that doesn’t make it less hard. Like pain, you can be told, “Hey, that flame is hot and will hurt like heck if you hold your hand over it.” Just because you are informed of the consequences or outcome, doesn’t mean you are exempt from feeling the pain that comes with holding your hand over a flame.
III. You have to daily die to what you think your rights are. There is a time and place to stand your ground on what you believe. But, there are many things in the human heart that are petty, self-serving, and sinful. These are the ugly little issues that rear their heads when you let someone into the arena of your heart. This is where humility is the vehicle to being refined in holiness. Allen Hood calls marriage the “Great Sanctifier”, and while I’m not yet married, I have tasted a little of that “sanctification by relationship”. The Holy Spirit is the best guide on the road to becoming blameless, unoffended, pure and spotless.
D. Communication, perception, and response are huge keys to making relationship work. It’s not always about the words. It’s how the other person perceives your words, through tone of voice, delivery (was it said in love or bitterness?), body language, etc. You can say something not meant to hurt, yet said in such a way that the other person feels is hurtful, the words were not what causes the wound, rather it is the manor in which they were said. Then there is the way that you respond when you feel hurt, unloved, or disrespected. Remembering that there is power in our words to build up and tear down, to give life or death, really changes the way you react and respond to the person that you love.
5. Laughter and fun are very important. Micah has been so good at helping me laugh, and not just have fun, but really showing me that I don’t have to take myself so seriously. I never knew how much effort I put into being seen a certain way. You have to be able to be silly and goofy. I didn’t realize how much freedom there would be in just having fun with him.
VI. Sometimes you just have an “off day”. It’s not the end of the world, you don’t have to break up, there are just days that things don’t always click. Those are hard days when you’ve never had a conflict. But you grow and realize that not everyday is going to have a perfect outcome and go according to plan. Putting two people together who each have their own flaws and plenty of baggage, and expecting perfection is idealistic and unattainable. Harmony and peace takes work, it takes making it through the “off days”, and working through the issues to come to a place of understanding.
These are just some of the lessons that I’ve learned as I’ve waded through the first year of my first relationship. I’m not an expert on anything, but I have the Holy Spirit highlighting the important things showing me what needs work, and what is just a normal side effect of bumping up against my flesh as I continue down the road of becoming blameless, side by side with another human being. And as challenging as it can be, I wouldn’t trade any moment of it.
-K
